the cave

For 23 years of my life i have felt like very few have related to minorities or me. Yes, many have sympathized and tried to be there for me, but they truly could not explain why i still had so many scars in my heart. I have talked to many great speakers and each one has said brian do this and do that but none truly knew what needed to be done. For the past couple years God has really been restoring my life. He restored my friendship with my family, he blessed me with great jobs, and an amazing girlfriend who i truly love. However, this whole time of being gone i have felt isolation, depression, anger, bitterness, and so on. I never understood why i was feeling these emotions until today. For all my life i had something to run to; to hide my pain. I always found ways to crawl out of what I was feeling and experiencing. These emotions have come back to me harder than ever and during this whole time being gone i felt like God left me. But we serve an amazing God!! These feelings I am experiencing are from the Holy Spirit. I feel as though Jesus is leading me to the desert and saying "Brian it is time" he is leaving me there and he is distancing himself from me, because it is time for me to go down into the cave of darkness that i have been trying to desperately crawl away from. For all the things God has blessed me with in some ways I have used as a drug to find my worth. I always had those things to make me feel good, but those things aren't my identity. Why would God keep giving me more blessings if i am using them as a drug to nurse my wounds? I realized today i am not in YWAM to become a leader, but rather i am in YWAM because here the things that i used to nurse my wounds are no longer available to me. Here i am in the desert but that is where i need to be. Today i someone told me that whenever i am feeling these dreadful moments to embrace them and go deep into why i am feeling these emotions. For at the bottom that is where Jesus will meet me. And when i come back out of the cave i will be refined by God's grace. I must admit i am very scared to do this truly alone for the first time, but i know it will be worth it!! For see i promised two beautiful girls that i would become who i was supposed to be. I promised my sister that i would make her proud, and i told hillary that i want to be the man she deserves. I am doing this because i wanted and want to impact a generation, but not for my glory but for the glory of God. At the top of my lungs i say "glory hallelujah" As i am writing this i still picture the cave like i am in a movie script or something. But i know for once in my life walking into the cave will be worth it. "To God be the glory for the great things he has done"