into your hands i commit my spirit

Father, sometimes I just wish I hear you call me your beloved. Today I feel as though getting out of bed is impossible; for my heart feels no peace. Father I know you love me but right now I feel as though nothing will comfort my your child. Must I go through today alone feeling as if I wont experience peace. Father you know that the words I said were true and you know I understand. I understand that I must go through this desert alone, and I will admit I tried running away from the desert. I wanted others to help and save me. I wanted someone to come to my rescue but instead you pulled that away from me. It is like I was holding onto the edge and you came and said let go. Father I let go and I am falling I am falling on my back looking up. I see that cliff and I see the sky, and my question is when will you catch me? Will I harden my heart? Will I push everything I love away? Father right now I feel as though my heart loves nothing anymore. Why must I be stripped everything I love dear? Father I came all the way here can that not be enough. What do you want from me? How long must I sit and ponder this pain and isolation. Father I know you are the refiner and I know you are the potter and I am the clay. Father please rescue me, and please remember my sacrifices and not my iniquities. I am sorry I haven’t always seeked you. I am sorry I am not always aware of your presence. I am sorry that many times I have used others as my way to cope with life. Father you know who I love and you know my future ambitions. But dear heavenly father if those are not your wishes I understand. I understand you want to use me and hold me. Father into your hands I commit my life and spirit.

freedom to speak

Today I felt like I was truly under God’s wings. I pictured myself just holding onto my heavenly father’s hand as he guided me through the day, on our 10 hour drive to Pucheta which is right outside Mexico City. Do you ever have those days were you feel like you are in your own world? Today I just felt romanced By God and the Holy Spirit. I was reading through the book of Matthew today and it was as if I were one of his disciples watching him in awe. I felt like I was witnessing Jesus perform the miracles right in front of my eyes! Jesus once said “we would do greater things than he did”, and it got me thinking to what he meant? As I was reading through Matthew more it made we want to step out of my comfort box and start doing what I was called to do. Jesus commanded us saying “the kingdom of God is at hand. Heal the sick, raise the dead, and cleanse the lepers cast out demons”. He did not say be comfortable and sit back why others do it. When we say we are Christians we are disciples of Jesus Christ himself. We have the same spirit that he has living in him. We are capable of doing the same and yet many times I’ve sit back and watched! I am tired of the devil kicking my butt and I say it is time for our generation to rise up and proclaim victory. I was reading the chapter about how Jesus called his first disciples and they left their nets and fathers and immediately followed Christ. Now I am not saying we all have to go to China or sell everything, but I say wherever we are let’s bring the Kingdom of God to earth. Let’s show the workplaces, the classrooms, and churches what the kingdom of God is not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul, rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” Jesus also gives us reassurance when he states “and if anyone does not receive nor listen to your words, shakes off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the Day of Judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than that tow

stepping out

Stepping out of the boat is never easy. I have felt like Peter eager to see what God has for me, but many times to scared to walk on the water. I have been traveling for 3 days now and about to arrive to our first outreach spot in Guadalajara. Three months ago by God’s grace I arrived in Tijuana, Mexico and today I am about to what I’ve wanted to do for a long time. You see on outreach us youth by God’s grace get to minister to a generation, and get to reach the cities of Mexico. I will admit I am anticipating coming home because I miss my family and Hillary very much! But until then I want to go out with a cry of justice. I would dearly appreciate your prayers that God’s will and not my own will prevail, and that I don’t take for granted this amazing opportunity. On this car ride I have been able to reflect upon a lot of what God has done in my life. He took a boy from Albany, Georgia and places me in the hands of my amazing parents Randy and Ann. He led me through discrimination and by his grace showed me that I am not a victim but an overcomer. God rescued me from being a brother who was hurting a brother and sister and bringing me to the point where I would lay down my life for them. I am reminded of March 24, the day my best friend went home to Jesus. During and for years after I counted all lost but now I am able to speak about Jon Mark Bonnema wherever I go. Hillary joy slagter is a girl I met and had a crush on in 5th grade. I wish I could say I was truly there for her but I was not. However 11 years later by God’s perfect timing I am able to say that I am back in her life and like I said before I hope to become her husband. I am saying all this because no matter what you been through or how much life seems hopeless. There is a God in heaven and he will never leave you nor forsake you. He commands us to be strong and take heart in in him. I know this is not always easy and very difficult to do at times but when you come to the breaking point in life, and trust me you will. There will be a loving hand extending to you and God saying “take my hand my child, I am here” I say all this because what I counted lost I now count gain and I will be able to speak about all of God’s provisions throughout my life. I want to say thank you to Randy, Ann, Beth, Caleb, Abby, and Hillary for being patient with me. I want to say thank you to all of those who have been instrumental in my life, and I honor you. I just read a page from the journal Abby wrote. Abby you said go and make you proud and don’t look back. Abby you are my best friend and you know that! I’ll keep my promise to you and whoever I come across I will love them with the same love that you show me, and Abby Jo Zimmer I honor you. God I been reading and saying this for a while now, but to you be the glory for the great things you have done! Now Heavenly father use me to impact Mexico like those in my life have impacted me.

when it is hard to apologize

Lord sometimes apologizing feels painful. Many times I feel like I have to apologize for something I did not even do nor was involved in, but do it because you have asked us to humble ourselves. Father I feel like by doing so nothing gets done. You asked us to love our brother as ourselves, but why Lord? How come we have to love someone who does not even love us back nor treat us with any respect? I know Lord you forgave me for every sin I have committed but Lord I am not you. I am getting tired of having to take the higher road because to me it feels like I am letting one get away for the damage they have caused. There are people every day who face abuse, racism, oppression and nothing gets done. Sometimes I just wish we were the judge, and sometimes I wish people got what they deserve. Being a Christian I know I have to face persecution but sometimes I am just tired of having to turn the other cheek. I wish people would just switch roles and see what it is like to look from the bottom up. I know I might seem irrational but sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I am at the point of not caring anymore. Because the more I try to love the more I end being the bad guy or having to deal with peoples messes. For once I do not want to care about helping people, and rather I just want to be numb. Right now I just want out I am tired of caring for people and I am tired of carrying this weight on my shoulder. I am looking at back at who I used to be and yes something’s I did were dumb and stupid but parts of me misses it. Because part of me was able to block out the world and not care. People might call that selfish and they are right, but people need time to just feel alone and sad. I am tired of having to be this or act like that. I am tired of having to carry a label and act like it should be simple to live life and be happy, but it is not always the case. I am struggling to figure out why I care so much? Or why can’t I go back to what I used to be in certain ways. Because right now I feel as though I was empty back then, what I am going through now is no better ; but discouraging because this time I have God and yet I still feel this way. I even when writing this I know God is here but sometimes I just want to feel him. I just really hate having to forgive it is like the hardest thing to do and I have so much bitterness towards things and I feel like God am not doing justice. I feel as though he is sitting there and just watching as life is getting sucked out of his children. I know God is just, love, and perfect; but it is so hard for me to fathom how a perfect God still allows such crap to go on. I just wish he use his full power and deliver us and bring us home. I mean all he has to do is say Son go and get my children but yet he waits and more people die and suffer. I know that I do not always think this negatively like this but tonight I am. Judge me or think what you want, but I feel as though everyone deserves a chance to let it all out.

i want life

I find myself feeling questioning a lot of things in my life. It is almost like I am looking back at life and wondering what happened? I almost wish i could put a pause button on life and say God wait i am not ready. I find myself going back to situations where I wish i could have done that or done this but it is to late. I do not know why i am looking back, maybe because life seemed so much easier. Maybe because i was oblivious to what was going on. I should be looking forward to new life when I get back, but for some reason I am not. I feel as though i am not ready to start living the life i was blessed with. Maybe because i am scared i will never do what I am called to do, or that i will end up failing the ones I love. Truly i wish i could warn people to never take ones younger years of life for granted. There is so much potential to bear good fruit when one is a youth. I am 23 years old and i am here questioning what have i done to impact lives? What have I done for the kingdom of God? Truthfully i do not know but i know i am still breathing and still have life. I am tired of looking back at what if and I am tired of not taking up my cross daily. I am blessed and have been blessed by many people throughout my life. I've been blessed by young and old, by those living and those who are dancing with Jesus. I have been blessed my mentors, a father and mother. I have been face down weeping to God and I've been standing on the mountainside worshiping my maker. I often forget that when Christ was on the cross bloody and beaten; it was Jesus who still loved me. When people fail,mock, and hurt me; it is Jesus who says "I love you just as you are" and many times I stand there with no emotions at all. This breath i was given is a gift from God, and i want my breath to have life. I want to breathe in the presence of God. I want to be used to breathe life into a generation of impactors and I want to be among those standing at his throne in awe of his power.

almost there

It is my last day in lecture and I am excited. I am sitting next to the calender and I cant believe I have been away from home for almost 3 months. I can say it has been a blur. I can remember some staff, but mostly I am just amazed at how God was there for me through it all. Days i thought I had no more strength God provided. Days I was hurt and angry he comforted me. If I had to do this all over again I wouldn't but I would say God has been my provider and comforter. He's been my shepherd and watcher. He has been my love and romancer. Today I was able to bless someone financially and i found it is truly satisfying to give when it comes from ones heart. God has been wanting to satisfy me for 23 years of my life. It just took going away to Mexico for me to realize it more clearly. Now i cannot say that I am more spiritual, but i can say I have been humbled, broken,distraught. But I also been restored,loved, romanced, and set free!