when it is hard to apologize

Lord sometimes apologizing feels painful. Many times I feel like I have to apologize for something I did not even do nor was involved in, but do it because you have asked us to humble ourselves. Father I feel like by doing so nothing gets done. You asked us to love our brother as ourselves, but why Lord? How come we have to love someone who does not even love us back nor treat us with any respect? I know Lord you forgave me for every sin I have committed but Lord I am not you. I am getting tired of having to take the higher road because to me it feels like I am letting one get away for the damage they have caused. There are people every day who face abuse, racism, oppression and nothing gets done. Sometimes I just wish we were the judge, and sometimes I wish people got what they deserve. Being a Christian I know I have to face persecution but sometimes I am just tired of having to turn the other cheek. I wish people would just switch roles and see what it is like to look from the bottom up. I know I might seem irrational but sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I am at the point of not caring anymore. Because the more I try to love the more I end being the bad guy or having to deal with peoples messes. For once I do not want to care about helping people, and rather I just want to be numb. Right now I just want out I am tired of caring for people and I am tired of carrying this weight on my shoulder. I am looking at back at who I used to be and yes something’s I did were dumb and stupid but parts of me misses it. Because part of me was able to block out the world and not care. People might call that selfish and they are right, but people need time to just feel alone and sad. I am tired of having to be this or act like that. I am tired of having to carry a label and act like it should be simple to live life and be happy, but it is not always the case. I am struggling to figure out why I care so much? Or why can’t I go back to what I used to be in certain ways. Because right now I feel as though I was empty back then, what I am going through now is no better ; but discouraging because this time I have God and yet I still feel this way. I even when writing this I know God is here but sometimes I just want to feel him. I just really hate having to forgive it is like the hardest thing to do and I have so much bitterness towards things and I feel like God am not doing justice. I feel as though he is sitting there and just watching as life is getting sucked out of his children. I know God is just, love, and perfect; but it is so hard for me to fathom how a perfect God still allows such crap to go on. I just wish he use his full power and deliver us and bring us home. I mean all he has to do is say Son go and get my children but yet he waits and more people die and suffer. I know that I do not always think this negatively like this but tonight I am. Judge me or think what you want, but I feel as though everyone deserves a chance to let it all out.